The Grieving Process

Processing Grief

Every person is unique in the way he or she handles the loss of a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.

Our responses to the different feelings that occur during the grieving process are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied down to “real time”, and people do not necessarily move in and out of the stages in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage and then to another, and cycle back again to the first one. You may find yourself repeating this process a number of times as you continue to work through your grief.

There are five commonly observed stages that people experience during the grieving process. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial

At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature's way of helping you to continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.

Anger

Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died, or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.

Bargaining

There comes a time when you may feel guilty for the person's passing. You tell yourself that there could have been something done to prevent it from happening, something that you could have done. You may try to pray for a trade off of some kind, negotiating with God. Don't be consumed by the "if onlys" or any theoretical situations, this will only make you feel more guilt. Try to have an open mind, begin to understand the situation in a logical and accepting way.

Depression

There will most likely be a period where you feel empty inside. This is the state of depression. This stage may feel like it will never end, and the pain will last forever. Struggling to wonder if it is worth going on in life, questioning life itself. You must understand that depression is the most common coping mechanism for loss. To not feel depressed after losing someone you care about would be unusual. Accepting that your loved one will not be coming back is a very difficult concept to understand, you must be strong and push forward.

Acceptance

Accepting the loss of a loved one is commonly misconstrued with the feeling of being, "completely fine" or "alright". At this point, you have finally come to terms with the reality of the situation and have accepted this new reality as the permanent one. We find ourselves adapting to the world in which your loved one is no longer physically a part of us. Learning to live in this new environment can be extremely uncomfortable. You may find yourself trying to live as if nothing happened, the way life was before their passing. Eventually, pieces of acceptance will guide you to readjust and adapt. Once you begin to find peace and live your life again, you may feel as if you are betraying your loved one. You cannot ever replace what has been lost, but you can always seek new connections, relationships, and interdependencies. It is only natural to grow and evolve, change and move forward. But, we must allow the grieving process to run its course.

How long am I going to feel this way?

Every person is different, and so is their grief. Each person will follow a different path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree that it is not unusual to take at least a year to move through the grieving process.

Complicated Grief

The duration of the mourning process can also be influenced by your relationship to the deceased, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.

Sometimes the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent, or has never been fully processed in and of itself. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People who are dealing with this type of grief may benefit by working with professionals who are trained in dealing with complex grief issues.

If, after some time has passed, you find your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functions, please seek professional counseling.